


It's Cold Out There

by KuraKuro



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: AU, But dark stuff too, But mostly lotsandlots of fluffff, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Kaneki has a phobia, Lots of both, M/M, shuuneki, tsukikane - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 07:54:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3970021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuraKuro/pseuds/KuraKuro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An all-human AU set in winter, in which Kaneki works part-time as a postman. He is amazed every time he sees the manor- and recently its inhabitant seems to be ordering more and more things. Could it be possible that he is doing it on purpose, just to get to see Kaneki more often...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> This will have a lot of fluff and violence, (but the ending will be very happy and fluffy, so no worries)!  
> 2/3 of my Shuuneki AUs are set in winter... It's my favourite season so I love to write AUs set in it ^^" Anyway, enjoy this fic!

With a sigh that was visible in the frosty air, Kaneki rubbed his arms in an attempt to warm himself up. It was freezing, and snowflakes were landing in his dark hair and blowing into his pale face, stinging it with icy jabs like needles. The job wasn't so bad in any other season, but in winter it was awful. His body couldn't deal with the cold, although he found it beautiful to look at the snow. But, he was glad that he wouldn't have to do this job forever.

His feet crunched into the new blanket of pure white snow. The feeling was satisfying. He was almost always the first to step on the fresh snow, so the job had at least one benefit. Helplessly, he tried to sort out his hair a bit. It was something he did unconsciously, every time he approached this huge house that should probably be referred to as a 'mansion'. Perhaps he just felt like he should look a little more neat and smart around this place, which gave off a powerful aura. Perhaps he was just intrigued by the mysterious place.

 

Arriving at the door, Kaneki noticed that this parcel he was holding was clearly not going to fit into the letterbox. He'd only ever had to deliver the occasional letter here before, so he was actually pretty nervous about possibly seeing who was in this huge house. With a deep breath, he knocked on the door. 'Why am I even so nervous anyway? It's not like I'll ever see this person again.' He laughed to himself awkwardly, and wriggled his toes as he tried to warm them up and stop them from dropping off, or something.

"Bonjour?" a voice with a slight accent called around the door. It slid open, and Kaneki was greeted by a tall man, with purple hair and deep blue eyes. His choice in clothing was certainly... Flamboyant, and it matched with the mansion. For some reason, his face was familiar. Where had Kaneki seen him before?

'Is he a model or something? He's rich, and highly attractive-... Perhaps he really is,' Kaneki wondered. Suddenly, he remembered that he should be doing less staring, and that he had something to do. He let out a breath that he hadn't realised he was holding in.

"For... Tsukiyama Shuu?" he asked, looking at the name on the parcel. It was a pleasant name, with a nice ring to it.

"Ah, merci beaucoup," the man smiled sweetly down at the postman as he pushed the parcel in the his direction awkwardly, hands shaking. Well, that was probably all Kaneki was going to see of Tsukiyama Shuu. He didn't really want him to close the door, though.

"See you soon," Tsukiyama added, with a soft smile. His voice and smile were equally smooth, like velvet. The smaller male found that his eyes were attracted to Tsukiyama's soft-looking lips as he spoke, and he couldn't help looking at them.

"...Ah, yes, see you soon!" Kaneki was sure he would be blushing if it wasn't so cold, and he looked down at his feet feeling embarrassed.

"Be careful not to catch a cold," Tsukiyama added with a look of genuine concern. "You look frozen, so I'd better let you get on with your job! Au revoir," then, the door closed.

 

"Damn it," Kaneki bit his lip and walked away. He must've seemed so awkward back there... "No matter," he muttered, staring down at his feet as he trudged away through the snow. It wasn't like he had to make an impression on Tsukiyama or anything... Although the one he made was probably bad, and first impressions last.

Why was he even thinking about him so much anyway? That was just stupid. Kaneki shook his head, and tried to pull his thoughts away from Tsukiyama... He was just another stranger, really.

A shiver ran down Kaneki's spine as he walked down the alleyway. He'd heard nasty rumours about what had been happening in places like these, in this city.

 

There were horrible tales of murderers that lurked through dark places at night. It was day, but still, he felt nervous just walking down there. He didn't know much, but he had heard that they were killers.

Some people told him that they would hear piercing, heart-wrenching screams at night, and it sounded like the savage's victims were being tortured. Slowly. Flesh torn apart... Fingers sliced clean off. Limbs ripped from the body.

All that was left was the corpse of the victim, which had been wounded beyond recognition. Entrails were left scattered like the aftermath of a sick celebration. The foul stench was enough to conjure up an image of the mangled corpse itself...

...He didn't believe those people.

 

Some people told him that the murders were carried out silently. All that was left was crimson blood staining the purity of the white snow, wrapping up the stiff carcass in a deadly, suffocating embrace.

Sometimes, the dead bodies of multiple people were left there. Hanging. Swinging slightly in the icy winter wind. They had been tied up by their necks- they were being strangled and held up by their own guts...

...He didn't believe those people. Not one bit.

 

Some people told him that there wasn't even a trace of blood- or even a corpse. It was as if the person had just disappeared.

The murderers were invisible. The victims were invisible. It was possible that they were still alive, somewhere...

...He didn't believe those people. Not one bit. It had to be a lie.

 

'They sell the bodies, they keep them as trophies, they do it as sport, they eat the corpses...'

'They're savages, they're cannibals, they're murderers, they're killers...'

 

***

 

Soon, thankfully, his work was done. Naturally, Kaneki found himself spending a few hours at the library. This was where he always came after work- and it was a great place to warm up, too.

With a large sigh, the dark-haired man collapsed into his favourite chair, with a new novel in his hands. He could feel his numb fingers and toes slowly warming up, and his shivering slowly calm down. He allowed himself to relax and get lost in the novel.

Soon, he got the feeling someone was looking at him. Quickly, Kaneki glanced up. It seemed like someone had just vanished behind a bookshelf. Not really curious, he assumed it was just a coincidence. Kaneki was about to start reading again, but then he noticed something. It was just a chair, but it reminded him of someone. Last week, he had seen someone sat there who he'd never seen before...

Of course! That was the reason he recognised Tsukiyama Shuu- he'd seen him in the library last week! That only made Kaneki more curious about him. They had a shared interest, now.

Damn it... He should seriously stop thinking about him.

But silently, secretly... he prayed that Tsukiyama would order another parcel soon.

Honestly, he had no idea what it was about him, but he was captivating.


	2. It's a Little Warmer, Thanks to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter in which Kaneki has another delivery for Tsukiyama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really short, but I felt like I wanted the next bit to be a separate chapter so idk... Anyway, enjoy :D

Again?

...Again.

Just like a few days ago, Kaneki found himself standing outside in the cold, holding a parcel. He was outside the huge mansion, filled with unexplainable nerves. After smoothing his hair a little, he knocked on the door. He took in a deep breath of fake confidence, and shuffled around a bit to hide his shivering.

 

"Bounjour," the voice was exactly the same as he remembered, but it seemed happier this time. And, so was the face that he was greeted with, as well as the smile. Everything was just as he remembered, just as beautiful-... "I was wondering when you'd arrive!"

"Hi, parcel for Tsukiyama Shuu," Kaneki smiled awkwardly, and found that he still couldn't look Tsukiyama in the eye as he passed it to him. Their fingers brushed together briefly- Kaneki's pulse sped up slightly. Tsukiyama was much warmer than Kaneki, of course.

"You're so cold." As Kaneki looked up at the taller male, he noticed that he was frowning in concern again. "Could you please wait just one second?"

"Uh, okay," Kaneki was a little confused, but he agreed. Tsukiyama thanked him, and closed the door. Before he went, Kaneki caught a glimpse of the grand hallway inside. He suddenly felt extremely unimpressive and plain.

The door was suddenly thrown open again, making him jump.

"I got you something, since I was worried about you in this weather," Tsukiyama's smooth lips were curved neatly into a smile, and he was holding out a pair of dark grey knitted gloves. Kaneki stared, confused.

"For... me?" he cocked his head. Tsukiyama was caring for him?

"Well, I know it isn't much, but I could at least do something for you," Tsukiyama pushed the gloves closer towards him, and gave him an encouraging smile.

"I, uh-... Well, thank you very much," gratefully, Kaneki slipped them onto his hands, unable to hold back his wide grin. The insides were coated in a soft and fluffy material. They were actually very cosy, and would be useful. "They're really comfortable! No one else does things like this, so thank you," he laughed a little, and it appeared in the chilly air in front of him. He really did appreciate this kind gesture.

"It's fine, mon cher," Tsukiyama waved a hand. "It is the least I could do. Oh, and I just remembered! I saw you in the library the other day, didn't I?" Kaneki was flattered that he remembered.

"Yeh, I saw you too," he grinned up at Tsukiyama, rubbing his gloved hands together to get used to how it felt wearing them. "I'm in there loads, to be honest," he laughed softly again and ruffled his hair. Because of the gloves, at made a few strands of dark hair stick out at awkward angles.

"Ah, so you're a booklover too!" Tsukiyama clasped his hands together gleefully. "I suppose I will see you there sometime then, won't I?"

"I guess so," Kaneki shrugged. He couldn't keep the idiotic smile off his face.

"I had better let you get on with your job now, but feel free to come and talk to me next time you see me there," Tsukiyama smiled.

 

For a moment, he seemed to hesitate before he prepared to say farewell. It looked as if he had one more thing to say. His next words were almost nervous, somehow, and definitely shy.

"...Mind if I ask your name?"

"That's okay, since I know yours," Kaneki was a little puzzled by the question. "Mine's Kaneki Ken."

"Nice to meet you, Kaneki," he grasped Kaneki's hand and shook it. He could feel the warmth, even through his gloves. When Kaneki looked at them, he noticed that Tsukiyama's hands were oddly beautiful. His fingers were long and slim, his nails all identical lengths.

"Anyway... I had better let you get on with your work before you freeze to death! Take care out there, Kaneki," and with that, he closed the door.

"See you soon!" Kaneki called, just before it shut. He was willing to stay in the cold longer if it meant that he could speak longer with Tsukiyama, but no matter.

Tsukiyama had given him a gift...

The stupid smile remained on his face for much longer than it should've as he walked away.

 

***

 

Grabbing his glasses and sliding them casually onto his nose, Tsukiyama let out a long sigh and relaxed into his settee. Normally this was where he sat to read, and he had almost finished the novel that Kaneki brought him a couple of days ago. He tried to keep the smile off his face just thinking about him. Kaneki Ken really was adorable, though.

Even though he hadn't finished his current novel, he had already ordered another one yesterday. He told himself over and over again that it wasn't _just_ because he wanted to see Kaneki...

Unfortunately, he hadn't seen him at the library the other day when he visited. But, he had something else to do first, so that was fine.

 

With the needles in his hands, Tsukiyama tried to concentrate hard on his work. He kept having to look up at the instruction book in front of him, because this knitting thing was a whole new concept to him. Still, he wanted to do it as well as possible. It had seemed like something uninteresting, and he wouldn't deny that it got pretty boring sometimes.

But when he gave Kaneki the gloves last time, on a whim, he hadn't been able to get that adorable, happy and grateful expression off his mind for ages. The thought that he could make Kaneki happy and keep him warm was a thought that pleased him, and kept him going.

Next time he visited the library, he would have to take the finished project with him, just in case he did run into Kaneki.


	3. You Keep Me Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukiyama makes something new for Kaneki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really enjoying writing this, updates will hopefully be more frequent now :3

A couple of days later, Tsukiyama had found himself in the library again. Naturally, he had looked around to check if Kaneki was there first- but he had no such luck. So, he had settled down with a book in his lap for a while, disappointed.

But about 15 minutes later, something made him jump in surprise.

 

"Hey, Tsukiyama." It was a familiar voice, that could only belong to one person. He swivelled around, and gave an over-dramatic look of shock to the nervously smiling face of none other than Kaneki Ken.

"Kaneki, bonjour! I didn't expect to see you here!"

"I didn't expect to see you here either," Kaneki said as he fiddled with his fingers awkwardly, smiling. "Oh, what are you reading?" he peered over curiously- and Tsukiyama could swear that he just felt Kaneki's hair brush against his cheek as he looked back down at his book. He had definitely felt his breath against his neck, too. Did Tsukiyama's heart speed up a little just then?

"This," Tsukiyama said, as he turned over the novel lightly in his hands. "I have another book with me though, which I strongly recommend. Would you like to see?"

"Oh, I've read that," Kaneki's eyes really lit up when he saw the book in Tsukiyama's hands. The purple-haired male found that his eyes seemed to be automatically drawn to Kaneki's lips as he spoke. "It's amazing, so I won't spoil it! Maybe we can talk about it when you've finished. If the book you recommend is anything like it, that'd be great."

"It is a little similar- and very thrilling too. Although, it is a little small." Proving this point, he pulled it out of his coat pocket, which had been folded up beside him. "It's actually this author's first book. But, he certainly has potential. Here, take a look." Tsukiyama offered it to Kaneki, who gladly took it and began to read the blurb. When he'd finished reading, Kaneki looked impressed.

"Sounds interesting, actually."

"It's the one you brought to me the other day. I recently started to order lots more books. I think I should receive the sequel to this soon." Tsukiyama gave Kaneki a soft smile.

"Oh, so that's what the parcels are then," Kaneki grinned. "I think I'd enjoy this." As Kaneki spoke about the book, he stroked its spine gently. To Tsukiyama, that was something very endearing. He was so passionate about reading. He never heard him talk so much other than when it was about books. They were very similar in that way, although perhaps not in many others.

 

"Feel free to borrow it," he smiled at Kaneki almost like he would at a lover. He couldn't help it though- the young man was really sweet. It was like he just automatically wanted to look at him that way.

"You sure?" Kaneki bit his lip, and messed with his dark hair. To Tsukiyama, everything he did just seemed to be so charming. But maybe he was feeling a bit awkward, being looked at by some odd man with purple-hair like that. What he didn't know, however, was that Kaneki wished he would look at him like that more often.

"Of course, you can give it back when you're done, since you know where I live now. I think that you'd really like it."

"That's true, actually. That'd be great!"

They had only just started their conversation, but hadn't yet realised that the librarian had been giving them an almost murderous glare the entire time.

Almost as soon as the last words were out of Kaneki's mouth, he turned around to see the fuming librarian. He'd almost forgotten that she worked here today (the other lady was much kinder).

She made a 'shhh' sound as she frowned at them, and pouted angrily as she informed them that people were trying to read in here.

So, Tsukiyama and Kaneki apologised, and decided to leave for a bit.

 

Stepping outside, they were hit immediately by a freezing cold blast of air. It stung Kaneki's face harshly. He had never been much good in the cold. Automatically, he took out his gloves and put them on.

When he looked up at Tsukiyama- who had stopped in his tracks- a surprised yet gleeful expression was painted on the taller male's face.

"Kaneki! You use them?" This embarrassed Kaneki a little bit.

"Of course," he murmured, looking down at the snow. "I'm no good with cold."

"I'm honoured," Tsukiyama said softly.

"Well, it's no big thing." Kaneki pouted at the floor a little. "Thank you, though. They really help." Although he didn't admit it, he was very grateful too.

"That reminds me," Tsukiyama began, as he pulled something else out of his pocket. Just how much did he keep in there, anyway?

Shortly after, he had pulled out another knitted... Thing. It soon became obvious that the navy blue and purple 'thing' was a scarf. Well, it certainly wasn't expertly done... But it was obvious that a lot of effort had gone into making it.

"I made you a scarf, too," he exclaimed, proudly. But Kaneki could somehow see that under his confidence, he was a bit shy about it. "I know you don't like the cold, so... I don't want you to get ill."

With a smile on his face, he wrapped it snugly around Kaneki's neck. It was surprisingly warming and comfortable. Although the colours were a little gaudy, it was very kind of him to make such an effort.

"Oh, Tsukiyama, you really don't need to-" Kaneki began, but he was stopped mid-sentence.

"Nonsense, it suits you, and it'll keep you warm. Besides, I enjoy making them-" this time, Tsukiyama cut himself off. Perhaps he said something that he didn't mean to, because he looked away. It was rare that he took his eyes off the dark-haired male.

"You made them?" Kaneki asked. He received only a nod in response. "That means a lot to me, actually. Thank you very much, Tsukiyama."

Tsukiyama's face brightened at this, and he started looking at Kaneki again.

"You really think so?"

"Yep. ...You're a kind person, y'know."

"Merci, mon cher. I'm glad you like it."

"Mon cher?" Kaneki cocked his head.

"My dear," Tsukiyama laughed softly. It was a laugh that Kaneki loved.

 

***

 

The two had decided to walk home after that, and had a short yet pleasant conversation before they had to part.

Kaneki had found that he couldn't get every little detail about Tsukiyama out of his mind all the way back.

And, Tsukiyama had found that he couldn't get every little detail about Kaneki out of his mind all the way back.

 

Curling up on his sofa and snuggling the warm scarf, Kaneki decided to read the book that Tsukiyama had let him borrow.

As he opened the first page, something fell out. It was a tiny piece of paper.

Picking it up, Kaneki noticed that there were words on the other side. Did Tsukiyama write notes in his books? The writing was fancy, and looked just like Kaneki expected the attractive young man's to look.

 

"Life is like a book. Each new chapter is a new beginning. But, the best part is that you never know what you will get next. You could turn a page and find that the next is happy, or sad, or exciting. There are so endless possibilities, as long as you keep on reading."

 

Kaneki was a little surprised by the note. Tsukiyama had written this? Well, it was actually quite a nice thought to write down. Perhaps he just liked to keep his thoughts written down, so that he could remember them all later.

Turning through the book, Kaneki found some other notes too. Some of them were similar, deep thoughts. Some of them were just a little silly, and made him chuckle.

 

With a sigh, Kaneki hugged the scarf around his neck, and inhaled the faint scent of lavender. It reminded him of Tsukiyama's scent, and how warm he would be if Kaneki was able to be held by him in a tight embrace. He was so happy that Tsukiyama made gifts for him.

Tsukiyama Shuu... Why is it that he was so captivating to Kaneki?


	4. Maybe It's Not So Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe, it's not so cold...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did somebody say 'fanservice'?

'Damn, he's _hot,_ ' was Kaneki's first thought as Tsukiyama Shuu appeared at the door, greeting him with the usual 'bonjour', although it was heavy from sleep. It was Saturday, so he must have had a lie-in. His messy hair was somehow still gorgeous, even though parts of it stood up at odd angles.

But, it wasn't like he was paying much attention to his hair. It seemed Tsukiyama only slept in his boxers... His body was very muscular, and Kaneki couldn't move his eyes away from the strong muscles of his arms and torso. Well, now he was certain that Tsukiyama was a model... That meant he had no chance then. Wait, what was he even thinking?! And why the hell didn't Tsukiyama bother to put any damn clothes on before he came to the door?! It wasn't like there were any other houses that could see him here, but still...

Oh, right, he had work to do. Not staring. He managed to force his eyes away, and look at the ground, just after noticing that Tsukiyama's nipples were becoming hard from the freezing cold temperature of the outside-...

"Oh, uh, Tsukiyama Shuu, bonjour! Um, parcel, uh, sorry, I woke you? I didn't mean to! Uh, so here's the parcel, here you go! Enjoy and uh..." he forgot what he was saying as he managed to meet Tsukiyama's eyes. They were a deep blue, that drew him in. He stared back, into Kaneki's own eyes. His gaze was sleepy.

"...Why are you feeling so awkward, Kaneki? You said bonjour, too." Tsukiyama grinned, and cocked his head, ruffling his messed up hair and taking the parcel. Kaneki hadn't noticed that he'd said 'bonjour' just then. "You look so cold, again. It was snowing last night, wasn't it?"

"Oh, yeh... but I guess you're even more cold," Kaneki felt that his face was somehow managing to heat up, even in this awful temperature. It was probably tinged pink, which didn't help with his embarrassment.

"Touché, Kaneki," he yawned and stretched his arms out widely, showing off his body. Kaneki had the feeling that he was doing intentionally. Tsukiyama licked his lips slowly, and a little suggestively. His gaze was fixed on Kaneki's lips.

...He was _definitely_ doing it intentionally. And Kaneki's face was definitely heating up. His pulse was definitely increasing in speed too.

Tsukiyama gave him a smile that was almost devilish. Why did he have to tease like that? It wasn't that it was bad, though-...

 

Removing (or, attempting to) those thoughts from his mind, Kaneki stammered that he'd better get going.

"Aw, now?" Tsukiyama pouted a little, looking upset. "Well, I guess you do have work to get on with... How about we meet up sometime, then?"

"...H-huh?" Kaneki couldn't quite believe his luck- or the way his heart seemed to have just skipped a beat.

"Later," Tsukiyama grinned. "Do you want to?"

"Well, I... Of course," Kaneki smiled, his eyes flitting between Tsukiyama's powerful gaze and the snow-covered ground.

"Très bien!" Tsukiyama exclaimed, rather suddenly. "This evening, then! Are you busy, mon cher?"

"Well..." The answer was yes, because Kaneki had some homework. Kaneki touched his chin softly, and smiled up at the other man. He managed to settle his gaze on those deep blue eyes, although he was looking up through his eyelashes. "No, of course not."

He was irresistible. The young man was sure that he'd be able to make some time to be with him, if he hurried with all his work.

"Since it's so cold, let's just go out to a coffee shop or something in the evening?"

"Coffee would be nice," Kaneki said, and once again he was unable to keep the grin off his face.

"What about later on, about 7 o' clock, the one next to the library?"

"Ah, I know the one!"

"I am rather fond of it myself. I just always thought it'd be better if I had a date to go with."

...What? Why was Kaneki's heart beating so fast? Was it because of the word 'date'?

"A- ... D-date?" Kaneki stuttered, and messed up his words.

"Well, I mean... It's just the two of us, I... Guess it's a bit like one, maybe." Tsukiyama let out a nervous laugh. Somehow, it reassured Kaneki when he noticed that he wasn't the only one who was feeling shy.

"Well, I suppose it is then," Kaneki concluded, his words quiet.

"See you later, mon amour." It may have just been Kaneki's imagination, or perhaps Tsukiyama's face really was tinged pink.

"See you later!" Just as the dark-haired man turned to leave, he felt his wrist being grabbed lightly.

"I didn't make you anything else to keep you warm... Désolé, mon cher."

"Huh? No, it's honestly fine, no worries Tsukiyama."

 

What came next was a surprise to both of them.

 

With one swift movement, the icy strength of the cold, that was embedded deep into Kaneki's skin, was suddenly being weakened by something warm, comforting and protective.

Strong arms were wrapped tightly around his waist- as though they had no intention of ever letting go. The powerful warmth of Tsukiyama's bare skin was covering his body. His gentle breath was warming Kaneki's neck. This close, he could even inhale his scent. It was something like lavender.

In this tender embrace... They felt like they could stay there forever.

Slowly, softly... Kaneki turned, and allowed himself to wrap his own arms around Tsukiyama's neck.

"Non, I am sorry. This will have to do, for now." Tsukiyama's arms tightened around Kaneki's waist, and the smaller male found his face being buried into Tsukiyama's neck.

"Tsukiyama...?" Kaneki began to question him- he seemed to have no intention of letting go. "Tsukiyama, thank you," Kaneki said in a muffled voice, as he loosened his grip.

"Stay safe, Kaneki." Tsukiyama's voice sounded worried. "It's cold and dark this winter."

"Of course I will."

With a deep sigh, Tsukiyama gradually and hesitantly released Kaneki. His face seemed a little more pink than before.

"Au revoir, then. See you later, and stay safe out there."

"Will do, no worries. Bye-bye!"

 

Tsukiyama's door closed, leaving Kaneki with the memory of his worried smile. Perhaps he'd heard the stories of the murders...

As Kaneki walked away through the snow, the one thought that filled his mind wasn't that. It was being wrapped in Tsukiyama's warm embrace. The sun peeked through the clouds, and a small amount of warmth covered Kaneki's pale face.

He couldn't wait to see Tsukiyama again later. He found his heart speeding up just at the thought.


	5. The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki's worst fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In advance... I'm sorry and I promise things will get better soon ;-;
> 
> There is a possible trigger warning for people with phobias in this chapter- as Kaneki's phobia is revealed and he has to overcome facing it. Please be warned if you have a phobia. If you are worried: SPOILER- (it is a phobia of lightning.)

Kaneki found himself tapping his foot impatiently as he read, and looking at the clock repeatedly. It told him that it was now 6:40. It only took 5 minutes to walk down to the place where he would meet Tsukiyama, so he should leave at 6:50 just to be sure. He could hardly wait. He'd been filled with excitement all day long!

"A date", huh? That was what Tsukiyama had said.

Looking out the window, between the curtains, he could see that it was already dark. The sky was covered by a thick, murky layer of clouds. It was probably going to rain soon, or maybe there'd even be a storm.

He shivered at the thought. Thunder and lightning were things that he preferred not to think about, especially combined with the cold. He prayed that there would be no storm. A cold, fearful shiver ran down his spine at the thought of just the word. He shook it out of his head.

 

And sure enough, rain began to pound against the window and the streets about five minutes later. Kaneki wondered if he had an umbrella...

His thoughts were interrupted by the vicious crackle of thunder, from nearby.

"Fuck!" Kaneki almost screamed the word, and whimpered after it left him. He rarely swore unless he was pushed to it.

As the loud sound rolled away, he began to shake. His shaking was uncontrollable. Tsukiyama's book dropped to the floor with a loud bang as it left his weak grip, and he yelped. A small amount of sweat was dripping down his back. His heart began to pound.

(Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum)

"Fuck, fuck, fuck... Please, no..." he whimpered the prayer helplessly through shaking lips.

His prayers weren't heard.

Lightning flashed threateningly through his curtains.

His heart might as well have stopped at that moment. His eyes were wide with horror. Pure horror.

 

He had to escape, to get away. Kaneki whimpered, salty tears pricking at his eyes. His breath was coming in rasping gasps. His heart soon pounded in his head. The world looked slightly blurry...

(Ba-dumba-dum ba-dumba-dum ba-dumba-dum)

Terror was an understatement.

To anyone else, his cowering would've looked stupid. It was 'only a storm'. But he was terrified. A storm was the most unimaginable, horrifying thing to ever exist.

His irrational fear of lightning was something that he hadn't got over since the first storm he experienced. No one knew, though. Slowly, the shaking man crawled over to the window, and pulled the curtains tightly shut, closing the gap with his trembling hands.

(Ba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dum)

He took in a deep breath, which was more of a shaky gasp, and fled into his room. It was where he felt safest. Along the way, he found himself staggering and stumbling. Tears clouded his vision as they poured uncontrollably from his eyes. Everything seemed to blur.

(Ba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dumba-dum)

His heart pounded so heavily that he remembered how during the first ever storm he was afraid that it would burst out of his chest, or even his head.

Immediately, he grabbed a pair of headphones and shoved them over his ears, pressing down firmly to shut out the sound of the-

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay," he whispered, clutching at his chest and trying to steady his breathing. He crawled into his bed, and hid beneath the covers like a child afraid of a nightmare or monster.

(Ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum)

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay," he repeated the words like a ritual. It wasn't okay. But he would say it until it was.

(Ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum)

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay," he tucked his head into his chest, and his chin met with something soft and woolly.

Tsukiyama's gift- the scarf. He wrapped it around himself tightly. The scent and warmth was comforting, and it gave him soothing memories of Tsukiyama's smile. It was a soft, warm smile. A genuine, happy smile. Those thoughts were used to push away any thoughts of the-

"It's okay... It's okay... It's okay..." his breathing began to slow, and so did his pulse. "Focus on Tsukiyama, okay Ken? He was worried about you, so he doesn't want you to be scared, okay? You're going to see him soon, okay?" he whispered, trying to replace his thoughts.

(Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum)

Their warm embrace... Tsukiyama's strong arms that held him so protectively... The feel of his smooth skin against Kaneki's own...

Maybe he would even hold Kaneki now, if he could. That was enough to make him smile, even through the awful fear that he felt.

 

(Ba-dum... Ba-dum... Ba-dum...)

 

Was it time yet? Kaneki tried to peer out nervously from under the covers. He couldn't quite manage.

He tried again. 'Deep breath. Think only of Tsukiyama...' and he threw the cover aside.

He did it! His body was fully out of the protection of his sheets, and he could see that it was 7:00.

He was late.

"Damn," he hissed, and slowly crawled out of his bed. He wanted to see Tsukiyama, even if he was going to be late. But then he hesitated. What if _it_ was still there?

There was no time to think about that. If he was going to see Tsukiyama, he would have to be brave. And he desperately wanted to see him, for some unexplainable reason.

 

Heading downstairs, he pushed all thoughts about the --------- out of his mind.

He pulled on a coat, and Tsukiyama's gloves, and threw the door open. It was still raining. He took a deep breath.

"C'mon, please, you're brave," he whispered, confronting his worst fears head on. "I'm brave," he whispered. "I can prove it."

 

And, with a deep breath, he shot out like a bullet into the rain. Without thought, his feet carried him as fast as they could. They pounded through the puddles, and his hair was soon soaked by the rain.

He felt so brave. Nothing else mattered.

His breath began to get heavy as he ran down the **alleyway**.

It was dark- since there were no streetlights down here. It might as well be midnight, for the amount of light there was.

But, it was a short-cut, so it would be quicker.

 

A sudden flash stopped him in his tracks. The entire alleyway lit up in the white, deadly light for a second. He was frozen. His body couldn't respond.

Frozen in fear. No. No. NoNoNoNoNoNo-

Out here, in the rain, pouring, illuminated by the lightning-

-N O . M u s t e s c a p e-

The lightning.

-His body began to respond again.

A scream.

A wild, untamed scream. It poured from his lungs automatically.

An awful pounding filled his ears?

His heart? The rain? Terror? Terror? Lightning? Death? Terror?

 

                                    A face?                                               

                                                One, pale face in the alleyway?

                                                            Three pale faces in the alleyway?

                                                                        Five? Five faces in the alleyway?

            (They had been alerted by his scream.)

 

Murderers? The stories about the **alleyway** flashed through his head, the murders, the blood, the blood the crimson stains the body illuminated by the harsh flash of lightning, the body the body? The body?

-The body was his body,

the body was the body of Kaneki Ken-

            (THE END?)

Panting heavily pounding in his head, his heart stopped and raced and stopped raced it was all too fast it was all a _flash_ \- a _flash_ of lightning- his worst fear-

'They sell the bodies, they keep them as trophies, they do it as sport, they eat the corpses...'

P A N IC PA NIC PA N IC

'They're savages, they're cannibals, they're murderers, they're killers...' the stories echoed.

 

His mind was lost. It was all a haze. And before he knew it, _they_ were onto him.

A knife _flashed_ as it swished through the air. It was the _flash_ that he hated the most. That white, blinding _flash_. It was accompanied by a murderous laugh. Only someone completely insane could produce such a sound. Someone who had been driven off the edge, and would never return.

The knife slashed him.

The knife... Slashed him. It cut deep across the right side of his chest.

Pain. 'Pain' was all he could think, as his vision was dyed red, as he hit the floor. As it tore him apart. There was a scream, from far away. But it wasn't someone that had come to save him. There was no 'hero'.

Because the scream was his own.

He was alone. Surrounded by a pack of wolves, vision hazy as their faces loomed in front of his own.

Were grins painting their faces? One of their faces was splattered with crimson. Still wet.

No- all of their faces were stained with crimson.

Around the lips.

Even their teeth were stained with crimson. With _blood_.

One of them moved closer.

"Don't be scared," it sneered. A female voice? Long strands of hair approached him through the haze, so the face must have been moving closer. There was a white grin _flashing_ in the moonlight. He turned away in fear, and became aware that unstoppable tears were streaming out of his eyes.

 

But he wasn't prepared for what he saw when he turned his face away.

 

He wasn't alone.

 

There was... Something... _Someone_ else.

 

But it wasn't someone living. It was someone _dead_. A _corpse_.

A _corpse_ far beyond recognition. The crimson pool beneath the corpsewasn't yet dry. It was **mangled**. A complete **mess**. Not **human** anymore.

It was covered in messy marks...

...Bite marks. Visible chunks had been taken out of the mangled corpse. White bones protruded from the huge, gaping holes in the flesh. A ribcage. Containing no heart. Entrails were spilling from the wounds, and to his horror... They had been 'tasted' as well.

'Cannibals,' was the word that had only a second to _flash_ across his mind.

Before pain.

More _pain_. Something dug its way into the flesh of his neck. But it was something blunt and hot. It was wet and disgusting.

A vile 'crunch' sounded as it _bit_ into his neck. (PAIN) Skin tore from flesh, producing a sickening noise as at was forcefully ripped. (PAIN) His neck was being ripped apart. The haze descended. His neck became wet and sticky with the crimson blood. (PAIN)

(drip drip drip-)

Another scream. A low slurping noise was heard from the unseen world of the haze.

Chaos was just beginning-

\- And then the others descended upon the weak mess of a man.

Blunt pain was all over his neck. Predators, and he was the prey. He was screaming. There was a pounding in his head. It was going to explode.

(-drip drip drip-)

His coat was torn off by many pairs of hungry hands, with nails like claws.

The scarf thrown aside. His gloves tossed away. They lay pitifully, forlornly on the ground. He needed them back. But they were covered in crimson. Just out of reach. He needed them back. Please.

'Tsukiya-'

            He barely had time to think before P A I N !!!!

PAIN that burned. A scream. A vile crunch. PAIN that tore him apart.

...His... Eye...?

(-crunch drip drip crunch drip-)

'It h u r t s too much! Stop stop stop'

(-crunch, crunch... Drip drip drip, the blood was dripping-)

But, amidst the chaos, the searing pain, drip drip drip the burning, the pain the pain- drip drip crunch _crunch_ \- and crimson it tainted what was left of the pure white snow it covered their hellish faces it covered his own yet all he could think all he c o u l d think

'-No... Please don't let me leave them behind-'

(-drip drip drip and memories of the sound flesh made as it was torn, as it was devoured, as his body seared and burned in _pain_ -)

'-They're covered in blood they're getting further away please no-'

(-pain it was burning it was tearing him apart it was-)

 

'D O N ' T take away... My memories... My gifts from Tsukiyama Shuu...'

 

A voice screamed his name from far away.


	6. Numb?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really know what to do in this chapter, but I'm trying to make Kaneki's treatment as realistic as possible! Also- when I had a nasty experience there were first stages of numbness, and then fear/ denial so I'm not sure, but I thought Kaneki might go through something similar? Tell me if I'm wrong or anything.  
> Also thiS CHAPTER will be a little sad but also happy so doN'T WORRY!! I tried super hard on this one ^-^

Blink. Blink.

'Where... am I?'

As he looked up through a half-closed eye, Kaneki could see a white ceiling. His other eye could... see... darkness? His body was wrapped in dull pain, and he groaned. A beeping sound was constant in the background, but it sounded far away.

"Kaneki?" A heavy voice was calling his name. It was a familiar voice, but it wasn't normally that heavy, was it? It made it almost unrecognisable...

...Slowly, his eye closed. Everything was fading to black...

 

***

Blink. Blink.

'Where... am I?'

As he looked up through a half-closed eye, Kaneki could see a white ceiling. His other eye could... see... darkness? His body was wrapped in dull pain, and he groaned. A beeping sound was constant in the background, but it sounded far away.

"Kaneki?" A heavy voice was calling his name. It was a familiar voice, but it wasn't normally that heavy, was it? It made it almost unrecognisable...

...But he recognised it. Everything was coming into focus...

"Tsu-ki-yama?" his voice surprised him- it was hoarse. He realised that his throat was dry.

"Kaneki, thank God!" It was most definitely Tsukiyama's voice. Kaneki's head turned slowly, and he could see Tsukiyama's face with his right eye. He was beautiful.

His blue eyes were puffy, and surrounded by dark circles. His mauve hair hadn't been brushed for at least a day, and wasn't quite as silky as before. He looked like he had been through a lot of trauma, and was very stressed. But he was still beautiful. The most beautiful person Kaneki had ever seen.

As Kaneki became more aware of his surroundings, he slowly realised that he was in a bed- a hospital bed. Tsukiyama was in a chair beside him, and the warmth of his hand was surrounding Kaneki's own. They were holding hands. As he became more aware of this, Kaneki gripped Tsukiyama's hand back.

"Tsu-ki-yama," he repeated, throat dry.

"Let me get you a drink," Tsukiyama rose, and returned swiftly with a cup of water. "Here."

Tsukiyama slowly brought the cup towards Kaneki's mouth, and he parted his lips and moved his head towards it. He didn't have the strength to bring himself to drink.

A faraway part of his mind reminded him, quietly, that once upon a time he would've been embarrassed to have to have Tsukiyama help him drink. He should be more independent. But that voice was so quiet, and he was so very weak that he didn't care.

The water gradually moved down his throat, and suddenly he realised that he was very thirsty. He could easily drink it all- but Tsukiyama made sure that he was drinking at a slow, steady pace.

"Move away when you're done," Tsukiyama said softly. His voice was still a bit heavier than normal, and Kaneki realised that it was probably for the same reason that his eyes were puffy. He had probably been crying- a lot.

 

After a while, Kaneki moved away, feeling much more satisfied. Before he could say anything else, his stomach made a loud growling sound.

"Ah, I'll go let a nurse know that you're hungry," Tsukiyama said. His voice broke a little at the end of his sentence, like he might burst into tears.

He was really that worried?

Quickly, he turned and left the room. Kaneki could swear that he saw him wipe his eyes on the way out...

 

Then, he was alone. He looked around, taking in his surroundings. This was definitely a hospital. Why was he-

-the memories flooded back.

The fear the pounding, the flash the lightning the storm the cold, the flash the pain, the crimson the corpse the blunt pain the sound flesh made as it tore, his own flesh was being torn, his eye oh god his eye, the crunch the dripping the sound of his eye being _devoured_ -

He wanted to forget. But he couldn't. There were questions. Sweat ran down the side of his face. But, he wasn't really scared. He was numb and unfeeling. Questions swam through his mind.

Why me? What happened next? Why is Tsukiyama here with me? Why does an almost-stranger care so much? Who was the voice? Was I saved? Is this a nightmare? What do they know? When did they put these tubes into my body? Why am I only just noticing? Tsukiyama, why are you-

His thoughts were cut off as Tsukiyama and two nurses rushed into the room.

"Don't worry, we'll have someone here to soon," one of the nurses was saying to him. "I was told that you're feeling hungry, so I've brought a menu for you as well." She placed a menu on his desk, and began to speak in a hushed voice with Tsukiyama. She then bowed, and both nurses left the room.

"Kaneki, I want you to breathe deeply for me," Tsukiyama began, his voice strong and professional. "Can you do that for me?"

Kaneki nodded, his mind swimming, and he began to breathe deeply. It helped, surprisingly.

"Take it easy," Tsukiyama spoke calmly, and he held Kaneki's hand again, for reassurance. It was warm. He must have thought that Kaneki was panicking. Or perhaps he was preparing him for something that was to come. Was he going to explain something?

 

"Tsukiyama... What happened?" Kaneki looked him in the eyes directly. Those deep, gorgeous blue eyes. They were clouded with sadness. He wanted them to shine with happiness, not this... Not this...

"Kaneki," Tsukiyama began. For a second, he looked away. He took a deep breath, and returned Kaneki's gaze. "You were badly injured almost two days ago. You had deep bites in your neck, a wound from a knife across the right side of your chest, and your eye... You... Only have one left. I heard a scream when I was walking down the shop to meet you."

That must have been because of the... lightning, Kaneki thought. He removed the thought as best as he could from his mind. His heart rate was already visibly speeding up on the monitor behind Tsukiyama.

"I called 999 and asked for the police immediately, and then the ambulance as I ran towards where I heard the scream. Looking back, I know that was a stupid thing to do, but... it sounded like you, so I was so scared I couldn't think right at all. I called your name, and just after that I heard the sirens. Whoever did that to you fled the scene immediately. I don't really know or remember much of what I was doing, to be honest. I think I carried you away from the scene after that. I think you had passed out by that point."

From that account, it sounded like Tsukiyama had been panicking too much to notice the body that was shoved into the side of the alleyway. It had been dark, and it wasn't like it had smelt bad. It was fresh. Kaneki figured this out, and also made the decision not to ever tell him what he saw back then. A cold sweat ran down his back.

"The ambulance arrived fast. We travelled here in it."

Tsukiyama had really cared so much that he would get in the ambulance as well?

"You were given a strong painkiller, and stitches in your chest where you had an open wound. Your neck isn't infected, thankfully. There are bandages over your neck and chest now. A therapist is coming to see you later, I think. It's 1am now." With that, Tsukiyama went silent. He slumped into the chair, lacking his usual elegance. That was how Kaneki knew he really was worn out. He decided to ask another question, although Tsukiyama had managed to answer a lot of them.

"...Thank you. How long... have you been here?" His voice was almost a whisper.

"I've been here for you the whole time, other than when I was sent home at night. I hope that's okay." The whole time? He really came back to visit him again, after the night? It didn't look like he'd had much sleep the entire time. That made Kaneki feel something, through the haze that was surrounding him- that numb, empty feeling. He wasn't sure what he had just felt, though. It was brief and weak, and was absorbed into the black hole almost as soon as it appeared.

"I want you to stay with me, so... that's good."

Just then, Kaneki swore he saw the ghost of a beautiful smile on Tsukiyama's lips. An exhausted, weak smile. But a beautiful smile all the same.

 

"Kaneki, do you have anyone that you want to come and see you?" This question was a bit of a surprise.

"Not really," he replied. "I don't have any family nearby or anything. I suppose I have a few friends, but I don't want them to see me just yet..." He couldn't explain it, but he didn't want anyone to see him in this state.

Tsukiyama opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the nurse as she walked into the room.

"Have you looked at the menu?" she called.

"Not yet," Kaneki answered quietly.

"Apologies- I was explaining everything that he has missed. I'll show him now, then."

"Thanks," she smiled, and Tsukiyama passed it over to Kaneki.

"Think you can hold it?" he asked. Kaneki shook his head, feeling weak. He didn't want to move, he felt physically and emotionally drained. So, Tsukiyama helped him out. He didn't feel like eating, but he asked for just a sandwich so he didn't upset Tsukiyama. Maybe he could dispose of it, or something.

 

And, he continued to support Kaneki as long as he could. He answered every question, never once complaining. Kaneki learnt that Tsukiyama had washed his clothes for him, as well. He was grateful, and made sure to thank him plenty of times. Every time, he said that it was fine, and not at all a bother. He was doing it because it was what he wanted to do.

Soon, the nurse came back into the room.

"Sorry, but I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave now," she said to Tsukiyama. "A therapist is going to arrive in a few minutes."

"I'll be back soon," Tsukiyama said. He was trying to hide it, but Kaneki could hear that his voice was sad. Kaneki thought that he was sad too, because something had just stabbed at his heart. "I'll bring you some things okay?" Just before he turned to leave, he ruffled Kaneki's hair and squeezed his hand, whispering that he was doing well, and to stay strong.

Once again, Kaneki's heart rate was speeding up visibly on the monitor. Only this time, it was for a different reason. Tsukiyama had definitely noticed, but he gave Kaneki a smile and pretended that he didn't. the nurse, however, couldn't seem to hide her wide grin.

As the smaller male said farewell, he suddenly felt a lot more uneasy. It was different without Tsukiyama. He hadn't realised, but he was probably the best possible thing to distract him from the pain. Why was that?

"Your boyfriend is good to you," the nurse smiled sweetly, playing with her short brown hair.

Kaneki cocked his head a little. Boyfriend?

"Oh, don't pretend that he's not," she winked. "He's a keeper, so treat him well too," she laughed. She meant Tsukiyama, didn't she? Kaneki was certain that he was blushing. "He kisses you on the cheek before he has to leave for the night, or if you fall asleep, you know. He asks me so many questions, he must be so worried." She smiled again. "Sorry, you'll see him again soon so there's no need to worry."

Tsukiyama... really did that? Why would he...?

No, that didn't matter. All that mattered was that he really did do that, never mind the reason.

Just then, Kaneki felt a warm and fuzzy feeling deep in his chest. It didn't last very long, but in that moment... he was most definitely happy.

Even in a time like this, Tsukiyama Shuu could make him happy.

He really was someone special.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much to everyone still reading, it means a lot :3  
> I have many fluffy things planned for the next chapters so be prepared c;


	7. Sink or Swim?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Has help arrived?  
> Kaneki asks himself: "Will I sink or swim?"

Kaneki sat up, staring into space. His mind was starting to swim again. Without Tsukiyama there to support him, everything was slowly getting more and more blurry. Soon, he was sure that he would drown...

(Why, why why, why? Why then? Why would a human do something so vile, why would anyone, were they even human anymore to do that to someone how could anyone do that to someone why?)

A different nurse, with shorter hair, made her way into the room, carrying Kaneki's lunch. She placed it down beside him, before leaving just as quickly as she arrived, with only a few words. But Kaneki barely noticed her at all, and didn't register anything she said.

(Oh no oh no, no, please no, not that-

\- the _crunch_ it made, the sound of _ripping_ , his flesh it was ripping it was being torn apart, drip drip, the crunch, his blood it was dripping into the snow it was dripping down his body it was everywhere, crimson, and oh the pain the pain the pai-)

The other nurse, with the brown hair, walked back into the room again. He wasn't fully aware of what was happening. But she looked directly into his eyes, getting his attention, although he only had one-

(-One eye? He was going to have to live his life with _one_ eye, he was going to have to get used to this, every time he saw a mirror he would remember he would remember that sickening _crunch_ , those drips, drip drip drip _crunch crunch drip drip crunch **drip dr-**_ )

The panic was building up. Slowly but surely. He could feel it.

"Hello there, would you be able to tell me your name and date of birth?" Kaneki heard the question. It was a simple one. He remembered that no one could see the inside of his mind from the outside, so he looked calm. He didn't feel calm, but his mind was drawn away from the horror as he processed the question. Soon, he remembered.

"...Kaneki Ken."

"And your date of birth?"

Date of birth? When was he born, again? He slowly tried to remember.

"...20th of December." It felt like an achievement, somehow. He had managed to remember.

"Thank you. There's someone here to see you now, if that's okay?" Kaneki nodded in response, listening carefully. "I don't know if you remember, but my name is Hinami, and I'm your nurse. Soon, you'll be transferred out of your own private room, and into a room with other people, if you can. Anyway, I'll be going for now, so see you soon," she waved as she left. Hinami always seemed so cheerful, it made Kaneki a little less confused.

As she left, an older man entered. There was something extremely kind-looking about him, so a lot of Kaneki's nerves drifted away.

"Hello Kaneki, my name is Yoshimura. I'm a therapist, and I've been called here because of a traumatic experience that you went through. We're going to try cognitive behavioural therapy in order to help you, as we want to support you. It is a type of 'talking treatment', if you like. Nothing too complex, all I want you to do is talk with me for a while. Is that okay?" Something about him was just so calm and professional. Although Kaneki was still feeling sweat running down his back from earlier, he was sure that his pulse was slowing. He was becoming calmer again.

His mind was slowly making its way back to the surface, rather than drowning. The blur was fading.

Someone... really was here to help him. Yoshimura seemed very capable of doing so. The smaller male nodded in response to Yoshimura's earlier question.

"Great, thank you, Kaneki-kun. I will be here about twice a week to speak with you. Anyway, let's start. I have a few questions first of all, and then you can ask me anything that you want to know."

 

***

 

And after a while, the session was over. At first, Kaneki had been a little nervous. But by the end, he knew so much more about what was going on, especially in his own mind.

They had agreed on working on small goals to begin with. Yoshimura had even helped him to eat a little, and Kaneki agreed that he would try to eat at least that much every meal. He needed to regain his strength, whether he felt like having anything to eat or not.

Kaneki was numb. But when panic hit him, it hit hard.

Next time he was feeling panicked, he knew lots of ways to calm himself. He'd even had help practicing these with Yoshimura. Distractions were the main thing that helped, he found. A particularly effective method seemed to be talking to someone about something completely different, or perhaps imagining completely different things, and going off into daydreams about them. Most of all, daydreams involving Tsukiyama. That seemed to be the most calming thing, thinking about the most beautiful person he knew as he took deep breaths. That was the one technique he should definitely remember.

Something in the back of his mind told him that those distractions were just him running away, running away and hiding from the truth, from the past, like a coward-

-But he tried not to focus on them. He tried as hard as he could. Tsukiyama had squeezed his hand, and told him not to worry. He had kissed him as he slept. He was going to come back soon.

 

...Why was it that Kaneki's thoughts always drifted back to him? Why did he have to mean so much to him?

And, sure enough, the tears were finally flowing. He couldn't do anything to hold them back. Helplessly, Kaneki stared down at his body with a single, pitiful, tear-filled eye. His only eye.

He looked so pale, and sickly. Bandages were wrapped over his chest, and were poking out from the top of his shirt. Tubes were sticking out of his hands, and his arm and hands were decorated with needle marks from where his blood had been taken.

As he looked down, his fringe fell across his face.

But it wasn't _his_ fringe, it wasn't the usual dark shade of black. It was a white fringe. Yoshimura had asked him about it, so it wasn't like he didn't know. But it was just that... he was so different. He looked so odd.

Helplessly, the stream of tears began to creep into his mouth, and down his chin. Some dripped onto his chest, and left marks on his shirt. His vision was all watery.

It wasn't so much that everything felt hopeless and sad. Everything still felt... like nothing. Empty. He had just been through so much, and he didn't know what to do. So he cried. And didn't stop.

 

"Someone's here to see you!" Hinami's cheerful voice called, and someone was pushed through the door. Even through his tear-filled eye, Kaneki could tell immediately who it was.

He was the right height, wearing the right clothes, and all the right colours. It was Tsukiyama. For a second, Kaneki felt something. It was a feeling of relief, and he was glad.

The taller man rushed over swiftly, and wiped Kaneki's eye with a free hand. With that, his vision became clearer. It was definitely Tsukiyama. He seemed to be carrying a large bag on his other arm. And as Kaneki looked at his face... he was smiling at him. With his gorgeous smile.

"Kaneki," he said, simply. A single tear made its way down the smaller male's cheek.

"Tsukiyama," he replied. It was just a simple answer, just a name. But that name held so much meaning to him. He wondered if the name 'Kaneki' meant as much to the other man as 'Tsukiyama' meant to him.

"I brought you some things," Tsukiyama smiled again. He brought out a novel first. "I thought you might get bored, so I brought this from my house. It's one that I think you might enjoy, although it isn't well-known. It was French, originally." He placed it gently on the table.

"...You know me well," Kaneki found himself replying.

At those words, the purple-haired man looked rather proud of himself.

"I brought these, too. You can't go wearing those same clothes all the time!" As he said this, he brought out some clothes. They looked much larger than Kaneki's usual clothes. "I thought you might be the type to get annoyed if I bought them for you, because you wouldn't want me to spend money on you or something. So, you can just borrow some of my own."

He placed the clothes down next to Kaneki.

"You can get changed as soon as they take those out, I suppose," Tsukiyama said, indicating the various tubes.

"...Are you sure that's okay?" Kaneki frowned a little.

"Of course, mon cher," he sat down next to Kaneki, and ruffled his hair affectionately. The white-haired man bit his lip, wondering if Tsukiyama liked this new colour or not.

"And, I have these too," he said, pulling out some other objects.

Kaneki gasped as he saw them. How did he get them?

And once again, another tear rolled down his cheek. He thought he had lost them. His gifts from Tsukiyama.

Last time he saw them, they were stained with crimson, laying pitifully on the ground. But, he had managed to bring them back.

"Thank you," Kaneki choked out, feeling that a smile had managed to make its way onto his face.

 

"How did everything go?" Tsukiyama asked, in a slightly worried tone.

"Oh, fine, thank you," Kaneki replied, quietly. He had a sudden idea, and allowed his eye to slowly start closing, and pretended to be making an effort to keep it open.

"I'm glad," Tsukiyama sighed in relief. "You look tired, Kaneki."

"Mhm," Kaneki replied, stifling a yawn.

"I'll be quiet for a while, then." Kaneki nodded, and slowly closed his eye. The last thing he saw before it shut was Tsukiyama's own pair of deep blue eyes gazing down at him. It was almost a loving gaze.

 

After a while of waiting, he heard the other man move.

"...Get well soon, Kaneki," he whispered, with a voice so soft it could barely be heard.

And, Hinami had been right.

Gently, a soft pair of lips pressed onto his cheek. They were warm, and delicate.

In that moment, Kaneki was definitely happy.


	8. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki spends a little time alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't written in ages, I have lots of exams T^T But I'm back, with a new chapter!  
> Warning for this chapter: there is a description of a panic attack, but things get better later on !

Kaneki awoke with a gasp, drenched in sweat, tears pouring out of his eye. His nails were scraping at his eyepatch. His heart was racing, each beat irregular. His breath caught in his throat. Confusion drowned him. He was half-asleep, half-awake.

...There was nowhere to hide, was there? Because the past was inescapable- no matter how much he tried to distract himself and no matter how far and hard and fast he tried to run it was helpless. It was helpless. Helpless.

Everything was just a distraction. ' _Running like a coward.'_ _..._ Yes, that's right. It was distraction from the reality. Everything was just a lie. All because he was weak.

His heart sank, more rapidly than ever before. It felt like he was on a rollercoaster. Sweat ran down the sides of his head.

"No," he choked out. "No, no _no_ -" but the _voice_ reminded him. It reminded him that it was _helpless_. Because that was **real**. He'd felt **real** pain. It had burned him all over, leaving deep wounds in his small body. He'd seen death. He'd seen _death_ that night.

' _Give in. It's easy.'_

There had been the dripping of his blood. The crunching sound of his eye being devoured. There had been the sound of skin being torn, flesh being torn. It was real, and he felt it.

_'You remember it so vividly. Just let it drown you. You don't need to feel like this.'_

And so, as he gasped and struggled for breath, as his heart continued to palpitate, as sweat continued to drip, as his hands clasped the sides of his bed, as his heels dug into the covers... it returned. It had come to try and drown him again.

Each wave hit him hard, at irregular intervals. Each wave made his heart thump and his breath catch. Each wave was the pain, the panic, the pain. It was a vicious cycle. Soon, he would surely drown.

But he fought.

' _Surrender,' it_ said. What was _it_?

He wanted the last breath to count.

Blindly, panicked and confused, he swam. He struggled to keep on the surface, but he swam. He tried to see through the haze that covered him.

But it was then that a powerful wave hit. He was thrown under. He held his breath, and shut his eye. It was surrounding him, suffocating him, drowning him. _It_ had filled his lungs, filled his heart. It was filling his entire body, and he couldn't breathe.

The wave brought a fresh realisation, though. It would be easier to be drowning, wouldn't it?

It's so hard, fighting to stay on the surface. It's too difficult. He couldn't do it. The waves were rough, and they hurt. Each wave hurt. But when he was fully submerged- there was nothing. Nothing at all. No hurt, no pain, no shame. Nothing.

 

_'Just... for a while. Drown. Submit, just for a while. Surrender and be invisible- feel nothing.'_

 

He'd managed to make the last breath count...

 

But... was this what he really wanted? To feel nothing? To be invisible? To drown, to die? Maybe there was hurt, but there were other things too.

Kaneki had to make the last breath count.

Shaking and gasping, he burst out from the waves. They seemed smaller than before. They were weaker, too. He carried on gasping for breath.

 

One thought filled his mind- it was the feeling of Tsukiyama's lips pressing warmly onto his cheek. He had felt so happy. And Kaneki wasn't going to let that go.

He... loved Tsukiyama, didn't he?

 

Yes, he loved Tsukiyama. That much was certain.

 

Warmly, sleep embraced him once more.

 

***

 

Kaneki blinked, slowly. Light filled his eye. Everything was all white and clean, so he was still in hospital. He hadn't been here long, but he was already sick of it.

The clock told him that it was early in the morning. Why had he woken up feeling different, though? He didn't feel quite so numb, like something had been lifted off his shoulders. Maybe it was a sign of change.

It wasn't visiting time yet. That meant that Tsukiyama wouldn't be here for a few hours.

Wait a second... why was that his first thought?

Kaneki felt his face heat up a little, and he hid it in his hands. God, he was so hopeless. Like a school kid with some crush.

 

Of course, there had been others crossing his mind too, like people from Kamii. They probably wondered where he was, especially Hide. His closest friend would surely be worried about him.

He reminded himself that he should somehow get a message to Hide, and then he could see him soon. He never failed to cheer Kaneki up, with that ridiculous grin of his. Kaneki laughed lightly at the memory as his best friend's wide grin. He actually missed it.

 

Anyway, he needed to find something to do. He had a little motivation, so he might as well use it.

Looking over, Kaneki saw the book that Tsukiyama had given to him. He reached over, grunting as the tube in his arm protested weakly at the movement, and held the book.

Gently, he stroked the spine.

The middle of it was a little cracked, it felt like it had only been read once. It was a smooth spine, like most books had. There was always something welcoming about that, and it felt like there was a bit of mystery too.

Where would these words be able to take him? What emotions would they make him feel?

It was something so simple- just strings of letters, making strings of words, making strings of chapters... all forming one, long line- the story, filled with various ups and downs, making a few knots as it got tangled up here and there. 

 

Something that Tsukiyama wrote in one of his notes sprung to mind:

"Life is like a book. Each new chapter is a new beginning. But, the best part is that you never know what you will get next. You could turn a page and find that the next is happy, or sad, or exciting. There are so endless possibilities, as long as you keep on reading."

Somehow, Kaneki felt like that in that moment. He felt like he needed to 'keep on reading', or else nothing would ever get any better. The past couldn't be re-written, after all.

 

Kaneki lost track of time as he read, but occasionally Hinami came in to check on him. She gave him a cute grin and a thumbs up each time, so it seemed as though he was doing okay.

Turning the page, yet another note fell out. Kaneki sighed, and picked it up off of his lap. Did Tsukiyama seriously forget about these? He probably just did it out of habit, without realising.

Kaneki smiled a little at the thought of Tsukiyama reading this exact book that was in his hands, tracing the words with his fingers delicately. He would then widen his eyes in surprise as he saw something that he had to scribble a few notes about. He would probably try to read as he wrote his notes down at the same time, completely immersed in his reading.

Even his writing suited him. That was something that Kaneki thought every time he saw it.

There were so many notes in this book.

 

But this particular note caught his eye.

"This is how Kaneki makes me feel."

That was odd. What did it even mean?

 

Kaneki continued to read.

 

"He was captivating. No matter what I did, I couldn't keep my eyes off this young man. Everything he did drew me closer to him. I knew we'd barely met long ago, yet I felt an automatic attraction to him. I briefly wondered if he could possibly feel the same way about me, yet I knew that it was impossible. He may be someone that I can never have, yet he makes me feel this way all the same. Isn't it strange how you can love everything about a person, without knowing them for a long time at all? It doesn't even feel like it's all gone by so quickly- it feels like you have always known them. And suddenly, you realise that you're in love. It's so strange, how it works."

 

But reading Tsukiyama's note again, Kaneki felt like his heart had skipped ten beats.

"This is how Kaneki makes me feel."


End file.
